Hopefully the biggest challenge you need to address during your teen’s high school years, aside from the driving lessons, is the dreaded college admissions process.

As parents, we approach this seemingly endless task with a Mary Poppins bag full of emotions...

All perfectly normal, and much like our teenager’s emotions, often cycling in the same day. Teens, though, have the added discomfort of navigating the process of transitioning from the home cocoon while simultaneously congregating with other teens during the school day who are dealing with their own levels of stress and emotion. I often forgot that aspect of my kids’ environment during their senior years while helping them navigate the college admissions process. But I certainly caught an earful (in a good way), when I asked about how their friends seemed to be managing. 

Change is rarely comfortable. As parents we experience discomfort anticipating the college drop-off, envisioning our child off on his own and what that means physically, emotionally, financially, and socially. We do not usually have our finest parenting moments when we are stressed or frustrated, so it’s important to sit back for a few minutes and figure out what we bring to the table, literally and figuratively, as we help our kids prepare for the big leap after high school.

What is your mindset entering this complicated phase of your child’s life?

I’ve had dozens of conversations with fellow parents in the trenches about the college application process, and almost to a person, the predominant feeling leans toward dread. We want so much for our kids to find great colleges and to be responsible for the process, with all of the deadlines and requirements in order. And, of course, no debt when the diploma comes.

Great goals, but let’s face it, our control rapidly diminishes during the high school years and beyond, and the best thing we can do for our kids during the college admissions process is to be a great mentor, helper, and researcher, with eyes, ears, and minds open, encouraging and enabling our kids to take the lead while ensuring they understand the financial limits of their college options.

Here are 5 tips to recognize and improve your mindset during the college admissions process:

Tip #1: Don’t take their anger or frustration personally.

Teens are often moody, self-centered, and uncommunicative. Another duh moment. 

I thank my lucky stars that I am not a high school student in this era of AP, ACT, check-every-box-to-get-in-the-best-school-with-tons-of-scholarships-because-college-is-astronomically-expensive pressure. At times I need to get really busy with a kitchen task when I feel a teen explosion or mood swing coming, but if I sense an opening I try to counter with a gentle question about what I think might really be the issue, or simply listen attentively without responding at all. I won’t claim this always works or I’m perfect at it, but I remind myself regularly that as long as they are kind, respectful, and engaged at school I can handle an occasional, emphasis on occasional, download of stress and frustration at home, knowing it’s rarely about me, and if it is, e.g. curfew, I’m probably doing something right. 

Tip #2: Set up a regular day and time to discuss college application goals.

Imagine it’s Sunday afternoon, two days before an application is due and your child has done little over the weekend but chill with friends and enjoy mindless entertainment. You are trying desperately to let her take responsibility for the application process, but your frustration level rises as the hours pass by with no discernible work on her part.

Exasperated, you remind her that the application is due on Tuesday, and ask if she has started it. The kid says it’s under control, she was going to work on it tonight. Much later, she realizes just how onerous the application is, with multiple short essays and needing to release information from her high school which requires three day’s notice that she no longer has. 

Most of us can visualize this scenario happening in our own household. It has happened in mine.

It can happen. Really.

By spring of junior year you and your teen should sit down and pick a regular day and time to check in about college applications. You will likely get an eye roll at the mere suggestion of a “meeting”, but remind him of the benefit of not being nagged about college applications and about your sincere desire to help him figure things out and back him up with timelines, proofreading, and research if he needs it. And without use of a cattle prod or megaphone, explain the risks, primarily financial, but also emotional and social, of making a poor college decision.

At first, every other week or even once per month should suffice. By the fall of senior year, however, you will likely want to check in every week. Set a day of the week and time and STICK TO IT. Even if there is little to report, your commitment to the process and communication will mean a lot to your child, even if she can’t articulate it at the time. You will have parent tasks, as well, related to the financial aid part of the applications, so these check-ins will demonstrate accountability on your part. If your teen made a commitment to get something done and didn't, the weekly check-in is a great time to sit at the table together and either help him get it done or work on something else while sitting with your kid as he works on the task.

Try not to talk about college applications outside of these times unless it is a mutual decision, and remember to plan some fun together- go to a sporting event, hold a family game night, or simply share a cup of tea and chat about a hobby or upcoming trip.

Tip #3: The cliche is true-- it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Tip #4: Be aware of the bias and stress you bring to college conversations.

Also be mindful of your typical stress level throughout the week. When is your energy highest and stress level generally lowest? For most working parents, myself included, immediately after work while trying to get supper on the table is not a good time to have a working session for a college application, but might be a great time to just chat about life. Or what colleges your child is currently favoring and why, while you listen and reflect without judging. Just because you’ve been thinking all day about the application due next week that your child hasn’t started doesn’t mean the first thing out of your mouth when you get home should be “Did you get your application finished?” 

Tip #5: Be the best teammate you ever had.

Imagine you are the fading star on a basketball team. The best thing you can do is not hog the ball in a feeble attempt to regain your former glory, but step back to let the young guns shine. Set a great example by practicing hard and doing the right things to get better every day. Talk to and mentor the up-and-comers to do the same. 

This is the time in your child’s life when you need to pass them the ball, but in a way where he knows you are there to help, support, and encourage, and even kick him in the rear occasionally. If you try to do everything, your teen will not learn to do things for herself and will not learn to trust herself because she doesn’t think you trust her. And in the end, your teen is unlikely to arrive at the best college choice for him and for your family. If you make the decision for him because you “know” it’s the right one, there will be no sense of ownership, motivation, or self-belief for your teen when times get tough during his college years, as they inevitably will.

The best gift…

Practice self-awareness and don’t be afraid to discuss your own stresses and worries about the process with your teen. To a point, of course. You don’t want to overwhelm or make them feel like they need to be the adult in the relationship, but you shouldn’t be afraid to let them know when you are stressed out, whether about the college application process, or work, or something else entirely.