Guiding your teen successfully* through the college admissions process depends a great deal on a parent's level of engagement. To a point. We absolutely want the teen to lead the process, but we need to provide timely information, wisdom, and above all, emotional support. I believe there are six key conversations necessary for not only a positive outcome, but a positive process...one in which the relationship you have with your teen grows to one of more equal footing. And don't get me wrong, I don't advocate for parents to be their kids' friend. In fact, one of my favorite lines to my 6 foot college junior son is "height does not equal power".
*successfully = not only being accepted into at least one great college option your family can afford, but to survive the college admissions process with mental health intact and a strong relationship
I think what most of us want as our kids grow up and out (of the house) is to have the kind of adult relationship that includes regular visits and/or travel together, to be a sounding board to listen or advise, and to be someone our kid wants to share news, both good and bad. In order to make that kind of future a reality, a very strong foundation of communication is critical.
In this post I'd like to go through the first two key conversations. For all of the conversations, the topic does not need to be covered in one session, or one literal conversation, though some can. Based on the topic, personalities involved, your family culture, and the grade level of your college-bound teen, the ideas covered in each conversation can take place over several days, weeks, or even months. I'll cover the other four conversations in future posts, and link back here for ease. If you haven't yet, set up a recurring check-in time with your teen to work on the college admissions process. Having these, or at least #s 2 through 6, conversations should absolutely be part of those check-ins.
With that, the most important conversation is the first...
Key Conversation #1: The one you have with yourself
Don't skip this! I know many of you want to, but simply coming to terms with your feelings and capabilities helping your teen through the college admissions process will truly help set a firm foundation for communicating with your kid. For each of the items below, put your thoughts down on paper, or simply spend time reflecting on each one.
(1) Self-assessment
- What is the current state of your relationship with your teen, and if rocky, what can you do better or more of, or stop doing?
- What are your strengths and weaknesses, especially related to the college admissions process?
- Not every parent is suited to be the designated driving instructor for a teen with a permit; the same is true for the college admissions process in a two parent household
- We are who we are, but acknowledging our hot button issues, such as feeling uncomfortable with change, will help us avoid transferring that stress (or personality trait) to our teen.
(2) Your college experience
- What were the best and worst, or easiest and hardest, parts about your experience in college?
- What are your expectations of your child attending the same college you did, e.g., being a legacy?
- Even if your teen has expressed a strong interest in your alma mater, there is likely no guarantee your child will be accepted. Legacy helps at some schools, but by no means all. It is prudent for both parent and teen to keep an open mind and develop a Plan B (and C, and D, etc.).
(3) Expectations of yourself during the college admissions process
- Do you have the time and energy to work on all of the college admissions' tasks with your teen, or can you commit to re-directing time and energy for the long haul?
- Are you the best person to help with this process, or is a spouse or someone else, paid or unpaid, best?
Key Conversation #2: Expectations post-high school for both teen and parent
(1) Discuss options, pros/cons, and opinions of each
Hopefully you are in the right place to tackle the college admissions process together, but not every teen should attend a four year college. By talking through each of these options, even briefly, you are acknowledging that there are different, equally valid paths. However, plan carefully if a four year college is ultimately on the horizon; some financial aid will be harder to come by for non-traditional freshmen, and some colleges will frown upon gap years without a strong purpose.
The options...
- four year college
- two year college
- trade school
- study abroad program
- gap year
(2) Describe your own experiences in college
- Provide an edited, for relevance, version of what you reflected upon during your self-assessment to help your teen understand where you are coming from, in positive and possibly negative ways.
(3) Discuss fears of "what's next"...both teen and parent
- If your teen will open up first, that's fantastic, but more likely you will need to share with him/her first.
- Find a careful balance between sharing some potentially vulnerable feelings (which is a positive thing) with your teen without oversharing or transferring more stress on their already heavily weighted shoulders.
(4) Discuss change and explore teen and parent comfort level with past and anticipated changes
- Discuss grieving process and relationship of that process to change, specifically the five stages of grief (E. Kubler-Ross)
- I have found understanding and accepting the process of grief as it relates to everyday life to be one of the cornerstones of maintaining solid emotional footing
- What examples of significant change (or even lesser changes) can either of you come up with and how did you each handle it? Would you do anything differently?
These are the first of hopefully many conversations you will have internally and with your teen during this critical time in their lives. Key Conversations Part 2 and Part 3 were published after this post and can be found here [2] and here [3]. All will provide a solid foundation to conquer the college admissions process with your teen.